SIN@ISM:

As you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be.

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 07:20:34 GMT

I started ~~ranting~~ writing on this journal in 2001. I can't really remember why I chose cindy_lightbulb as my user name, but I know it has something to do with me obsessing over the drawing of a light bulb then (don't judge me, I was fifteen). If you think about it metaphorically, it could symbolise the formation of a brilliant idea.

Also, before I'm Sinnie, I was Cindy/Sindy. These are nick/names that sound like my real name, Sin Yee. Given a choice, I like the name Renée, which means reborn.

You know, it doesn't seem too long ago, but it has been eight years. This journal holds some of the most important memories in my life (though majority on school), a slice of which I've kept for myself and the rest, I've shared with you.

Now that I'm moving on to a new phase in my life, I ought to start anew.

Life only gets better - if you know where to find me.

This too shall pass

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 14:41:50 GMT

A while ago, Mian recommended a Japanese film (Departures/Okuribito) to me, because she thought I'd like it like she did. She didn't elaborate much on the film, except for the fact that it won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film at the 2009 Oscars, so I went to google it myself. After realising that a large part of the film is on funerals, I avoided watching it.

I'm not good at dealing with departures and funerals scare me. I went for my uncle's service in Malacca a few years ago, but I ran away the night before the actual ceremony. I still have memories of hearing the nails being hammered into the coffin, my brother crying, thinking that we would never get to see her face again and the finality of reality setting in. I can deal with the memories, but I can't deal with reality.

I'm so tired of running away.

After some contemplation, I wanted to know what made this film worthy of an Academy Award, so I watched it anyway. The pace of the film is slow, so much so that I got distracted a couple of times. Because of that, however, there was a calm sense of strength underlying the development of the plot, flowing serenely with the deep, soothing notes of the cello, played by the protagonist. It is definitely different from all the Hollywood Blockbusters with its notable quiet charm, but I shall reserve my judgment on whether it really deserves an Academy Award.

I saw it though - the beauty of death.

No matter if you are tired of loving or tired of hating; whether you are suffering or in pain; whether you are crying and feel your heart breaking; whether you are depressed or disappointed, angry or upset - such is life and it ends with death, but so do joy and the happiness of living. To know that there is an end to all our pain and happiness, is life comforting or cruel?

Death may be inevitable, but it doesn't mean we don't have to live. In fact, all the more we should live till it drains us, love till it hurts, try till we fail, because someday, this too shall pass.

Chillin'@Bar None

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 20:34:17 GMT

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For Vati

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 15:04:51 GMT

Via Things We Forget
I almost forgot today is Fathers' Day, until Mike suggested for us to go to Sakura for buffet dinner. The food was mediocre, but with adequate variety - or at least enough to satisfy Dad.

You know, try as I might, sometimes I forget.

I get blinded by my traumatic memory of the past, I don't see how hard you are trying to make it up in the present.

I forget that I still love you.

Creatures of the Night

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 13:16:45 GMT

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Oh, brother!

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 20:31:54 GMT

William and I shared the kitchen today, with him cooking spaghetti bolognese and me making my chicken salad. While I'd say I'm pretty adept at cooking spaghetti bolognese as well, it never tastes quite as good as his. Then again, he was the first to pick up cooking amongst us (Mike never did) and even once worked in Coffee Club as an assistant cook, though only for a short period of time.

After brunch, he packed a portion of the spaghetti bolognese and chicken salad into a lunchbox to bring to his girlfriend (my brother is such a good catch), who was working at Holland Village. I was puzzled though, when he put on his cycling gear.

Me: I thought you were going to meet your girlfriend?
Him: Yah, she's at Holland Village.
Me: And you're cycling there?
Him: Why not? I ran there before.
Me: !

Beautiful people everywhere

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 09:56:53 GMT

Each time I surf through Lookbook, I wonder where do all these beautiful, well-dressed people come from. After a while, however, your eyes grow accustomed to such beauty and you start to think that everyone looks similar, with no one better than the other. So when I saw Nancy's illustrations of herself, alongside her outfit photos, I was pleasantly surprised.

Her attention to details in her Photoshop illustrations is one I admire the most. I always thought self-portrait was the hardest to master, because the way you look at yourself may not be the way others see you, but she made it seem so effortless.

I remember when I was still an annoying kid, my older female cousin loved drawing various outfits on faceless figures, before proudly holding them up and telling me that one day, she would be a fashion designer. Her artful drawings made me look up to her in awe, but she is a doctor now.

These words become meaningless the moment I say it

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:24:08 GMT

"...and when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter – they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long." (Sylvia Plath)

I never liked Plath, because the morbidity in her works pains me. I never managed to get through The Bell Jar.

I didn't want to think like her.

Don't mind me, I'm thirteen.

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 09:45:26 GMT

I think I've been too accustomed to watching American films, because it actually took me a while to get used to the strong British accent in this movie. Nevertheless, the hilarious, yet no less endearing, plot more than makes up for it.

Jas: "You're so voluptuous."
Georgia: "Are you saying I'm fat?"

I thought it reminded me of Bend It Like Beckham, not just because of it being a British film, but also the wicked sense of humour the protagonist has on herself. True enough, it was directed by Gurinder Chadha, the same director for the latter.

Alright, but the real reason why you need to watch it?

Georgia: "You think I'm perfect."
Robbie: "I think you're mad. You're perfect for me."

Move aside, Zac and Robert, Aaron's here.

Edit (170609): Oh my, I'm currently reading the ten-book series by Louise Rennison and I think I'm ten now. Fabulousity fabbity fab fab!

The Story of Jill & Matt

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 14:31:23 GMT

Via Greedy Girl

My wedding invitation will be a scroll like this.

Anywhere but here

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 17:28:28 GMT

Because our Hong Kong trip didn't materialise, due to the stupid swine, much to my disappointment, we are settling on a place closer to home. At least we get to escape from the horrible heat.

I'll be back before you know it.

Don't read the signs

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 17:05:13 GMT

Having absolutely nothing to do today (I should have gone to MAAD, but was too lazy to get myself out of the house), I plopped myself in front of my laptop, armed with homemade chicken salad, and decided to watch a chick flick - He's Just Not That Into You.

I remember asking Lynette if the show was good, but she simply shook her head, saying, "Guys." I took it that she was actually chiding guys in general, as a sort of reflection on the movie, not that the movie was lousy.

In fact, it was pretty good for a chick flick, but a waste of talent on the megastars like Drew Barrymore (oh, she's the executive producer of the film!), Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck and Scarlett Johansson, who were relegated to side stories with rather mediocre roles.

The plot was pretty relatable, though.

I have often been asked for relationship advice (by both boys and girls), which is funny, seeing that I've never been in one. I always face a dilemma, whether to be kind or kinder. If I were kind, I'd have told them what they wanted to hear and basically make them hopeful, not unlike the friends of the protagonist, who were actually the ones that made her delusional. If I were kinder, I'd have told them to get over it and move on, so that they can stop wasting their time on those unworthy of it, but that would seem too cruel and unfriendly. Besides, how do you know if they were the rule or the exception?

How do you know if you are the rule or the exception?

I remember Lyn saying that the thing about girls is they think too much. Guys, on the other hand, play their impeccable mind games that always mislead the girls unintentionally. What is a girl to do? As affected as I would be, I always convince myself that no kind of flirting will amount to anything if the guy doesn't follow up. I am not good at playing games, so I choose to ignore all the signs, because I know that if you really want me, you'll have the guts to say it out loud.

Of course, it doesn't matter if you're a guy or a girl to make the first move. Take a leaf out of Drew Barrymore's book: "Goddamn if I don't love the chase. I'm more of a dude than most dudes." Well, it's just that up till now, I haven't met someone that I like enough to make me want to put down my pride to do so.

By the way, "It's so obvious that s/he likes you!" is quite an irresponsible observation to make as a bystander, though admittedly, it does boost one's ego.

Childhood crush

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 18:09:27 GMT

I was twelve, I think, when I fell for Bob.

He was two years older than me and loved playing the drums. It was probably because of him that I began to notice the often underrated drummers in bands. I liked his quiet and humble demeanor, especially when he had the skills to boast of. Alas, it was a fleeting crush, but even after more than a decade, I still stand by my choice.

Very Pop@Zouk

Sat, 30 May 2009 10:04:09 GMT

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Lady Luck

Fri, 29 May 2009 12:18:23 GMT

I am an incredibly lucky person to be able to breeze through my university education. While I always struggled during the process, the results almost never let me down. I always tell myself that I deserve what I get, for better or for worse, but no, I think I've always gotten so much more than I really deserve.

I am not a diligent student. I don't read my readings for classes, unless absolutely necessary. Even then, I don't ever finish reading everything. I rely on lecture notes (only) to study for my exams and even that, I can't finish studying half of it.

As I've told Corinna, the usual routine the night before my paper would be to panic that I have only read two out of twelve lectures, but am too tired to continue any further. To choose between sleeping and continuing studying, I'd choose the former because there is no point forcing yourself to study, when not much can go into your brain anyway. By choosing the former, however, I knew that I'd have to wake up panicking even more, because I'd only have two hours left to get ready and head to school for my paper, when I'm nowhere near done. I'd spend about five minutes being annoyed with myself for having wasted so much time the day before and thinking about how nice it'd be to have just one more day. Alas, I have to come back to reality relatively quickly, using the extremely little time I have, speed-reading through my notes and praying that whatever I've glanced through would retain in my brain. At the very last minute, before the doors to the exam halls open, you could still see me highlighting my lecture notes, as it'd be considered my first time reading what I've written. After the paper, which I'd have spent most of the time remembering and linking one point to another, hoping that I've made some sense out of it, I'd come home to a pile of unread readings, being chucked into a corner of my cupboard, never to be seen again.

How I've reached the finish line with results that are a little better than mediocre is beyond me. For that, I'm grateful. Of course, I could have worked harder and achieve even better results, but I'm contented. It is not that my expectations are low, but over the years, I've learnt that there is so much more to life than academic achievements to strive for. I don't get hung up over grades, not because they don't matter, but what matters the most is what these grades mean, which essentially gauges your level of understanding of a particular module and your ability to explain it. I love how I am now able to explain a social phenomenon to my non-sOCi friends and look deeper into its causal factors, instead of simply accepting it for what it is or what the media portray it to be. I never knew how invigorating (but also annoying, sometimes) this would feel.

Professor Chua Beng Huat used to say that we could walk into interviews, telling the employers that they should employ us because we are different. I laughed then.

Now I know what he meant. Brimming with the knowledge I never thought I had in me, I think I'm ready to take on the world.

Lady Luck, please keep shining on me.

Happy 24th Birday, Raz!

Wed, 27 May 2009 22:20:02 GMT

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Something's broken

Tue, 26 May 2009 17:20:44 GMT

...in me.

Happy 23rd Birthday, Cheryl!

Sun, 17 May 2009 10:30:57 GMT

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Live it up

Fri, 15 May 2009 19:21:03 GMT

Barely one week since we've ended school, I have a lot of friends telling me that they feel aimless, lost and even bored. I understand how being unproductive makes you feel useless, but it has only been a week - there is still so much that I want to do. I'm not about to join in the rat race immediately after I've ended my paper chase.

The most common question I get nowadays is, "What have you been doing?" Well, loads, my friend, loads. I have friends who are frantically looking to secure a job in the civil service, but not looking for one (yet) doesn't mean I haven't been productive.

I packed and cleared all my notes, sending them straight into the recycling bin, without looking back. I cleaned up my room and prepared it for a tiny revamp at my study area that involves removing my childhood table-shelf and installing a brand new work table from Ikea. Of course, not without the help of William who removed the huge table-shelf for me, Mike who carried the heavy work table back from Ikea and my Dad who nailed the table legs. Good to have the big boys at home, huh?

I have been out rather frequently too, meeting up with my sOCi mates for dinner, supper, chalet and whatever excuses we can come up with to meet up, shopping with Xping and clubbing with elles. I still have to catch up with a couple of friends, like Kaixin, whom I've promised since before the exams, Naddy and our Casual Poet date, as well as Lynette and Corinna for our museum and flea market outing. It is about time to revive the social life, no?

Not just social life, but family time too. Now that I'm not perpetually stressed by schoolwork, I talk to my Dad and brothers in a much nicer tone. I start cooking again, making breakfast for them (when I can wake up for it) and experimenting recipes. I spend more quality time with Dad, going grocery shopping and watching television together, discussing about world news and even soccer matches (pretending that I know what he is talking about).

Personally, I try to sleep early (when I'm not out painting the town red) to switch my body clock back to normal. I'm making an exercise regime for myself for a healthier living. I have to start learning how to drive. I have errands to run, like renewing my passport and ordering my graduation gown. My TOS editor is waiting for me to pitch some stories to her.

Oh and I need to travel too.

So how is it possible to be bored already? Talk to me in a month's time.

Elleout: Brewerkz & Zouk

Thu, 14 May 2009 07:55:08 GMT

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The sOCi Finale Chalet

Tue, 12 May 2009 12:53:15 GMT

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X

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 16:29:30 GMT

Will you please just look at those arms?
If you are a fan of Wolverine and Hugh Jackman, or better still, if you are a fan of Wolverine because of Hugh Jackman, you have to watch this movie because, well, you get to see his (almost) full monty!

I'm taken in by Ryan Reynolds (Deadpool) though. Whatever character he gets into, I always see a little bit of Berg in it, which is strangely endearing.

I never wanted to get into this, because I know once I'm intrigued, I will get to the bottom of it, finding out about each and every character in X-Men, what they do, what their abilities are and eventually reading the generations of X-Men comics, becoming a true blue fan of the Marvel Universe.

Then I will get sick of it.

I still have two papers to study for, so I cannot be distracted.

But re-watching the first X-Men movie wouldn't hurt, would it?

Current state of mind

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 06:29:47 GMT

Name: Sinnie
Date: 3/23/2009
Colorgenics Number: 12046375

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

All of your dreams and hopes have not materialised and consequently you are unsure of which way to go. This uncertainty has led to considerable stress but you have sufficient 'strength of mind' to overcome this state of affairs although it will take some time.

The situation at this time is one of considerable distress. You feel trapped and you are looking for some way out. You can find solace in the arms of someone who cares so long as there is no long-term emotional involvement.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You are carried away by other people's enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation, which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding. You have lowered your defences in the past and you have been hurt, so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on the condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

Twilight Saga

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 10:04:13 GMT

This is not the right time to do this, but once I'm obsessed with something, I don't get distracted until I'm over it, not even when I have assignment deadlines and exams looming ahead.

I have always wanted to read the Twilight series, seeing how many people were raving about it, despite how cheesy the movie was. Since I had no hope of borrowing from the libraries all around Singapore (not that there weren't any copies, but all of them were perpetually put on reservation), I went on the trusty World Wide Web to look for it, since Xping once told me that she (or Ben) read it online. I simply googled it and there it was - the whole series (till a partial of the fifth book) uploaded word for word, by a kind Samaritan (though I don't think the author or publisher would be too pleased).

I'm currently boring through the third book (Eclipse), but my interest is waning, especially with the weak storytelling. As Lyn said, Meyer could never compare to Rowling.

I was initially fascinated by the storyline of werewolves and vampires, brought up subtly by the first movie (under the huge romantic cloud). I thought the books would feed me with more information than what the movie offered (that's why I always choose to watch the movie before reading the first book - so that I don't get disappointed by the movie if it failed to fulfill my imagination), but the ill-developed plot was such a letdown. While I did find out more about the lives of these mythical creatures in the books, the progress was marginal, unsurprising and often overshadowed by the mushy (or what they would call, intense) love story between Edward and Bella. In order to get to the action, I would have to endure all the cringe-worthy dialogues, like:

I stared at him darkly for a long moment. "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"That's all I needed to hear."

His mouth was on mine then, and I couldn't fight him. Not because he was so many thousand times stronger than me, but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips met. This kiss was not quite as careful as others I remembered, which suited me just fine. If I was going to rip myself up further, I might as well get as much in trade as possible.

So I kissed him back, my heart pounding out a jagged, disjointed rhythm while my breathing turned to panting and my fingers moved greedily to his face. I could feel his marble body against every line of mine, and I was so glad he hadn't listened to me - there was no pain in the world that would have justified missing this. His hands memorized my face, the same way mine were tracing his, and, in the brief seconds when his lips were free, he whispered my name.

When I was starting to get dizzy, he pulled away, only to lay his ear against my heart.

I lay there, dazed, waiting for my gasping to slow and quiet.

"By the way," he said in a casual tone. "I'm not leaving you."

If it was tastefully written and the preceding storyline was actually heart-wrenching (rather than silly), I would have been able to appreciate this emotional moment a little better and even gush over the love they have for each other. Instead, I gagged.

Another drawback was the inability to keep its readers (i.e. me) in suspense, which Rowling's success was attributed to. Rowling was able to drop subtle hints all through her seven books and keep her audience (i.e. me) guessing right till the end, because the answers brought about more questions, building up to the climax that one could only speculate, but not know. Meyer, however, either failed miserably or did not even try, because while the protagonist struggled with the answer(s) to all her bewildering thoughts and bizarre scenarios happening around her, the readers (i.e. me) would be bored, waiting for the answer (which they already knew) to finally come to her.

I was hoping for the Twilight series to refill that missing fantasy in my imagination (due to the end of the Harry Potter series), but alas, it would find a better fit under the Romance section in the library, since it was as much of a love story as it was shown in the movie, if not ~~worse~~ more.

I would get through the whole series still (I'm obsessive that way), but it wouldn't be worth a second read.

Six weeks

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:26:16 GMT

I am finally done with my last TOS assignment for a while (unless I decide to pitch some stories of my own), except for some loose strings to tie up. I realise that once I get caught up with work, I lose all sense of time and perspective, rejecting a couple of job assignments I ought to have taken up, like helping out with 360's translation of a project I was a part of and interviewing Vanness Wu for his new movie. So before I start tackling my mountainous schoolwork and get myself immersed in it, I thought I should get this out of my system or in the blink of an eye, I might just miss my chance to do so.

Thanks to Lyn's msn nick, I am now aware of the fact that in less than six weeks' time, assuming everything goes smoothly, I will be out of this great binding institution I call school. I don't really know how to make sense of that but in retrospect, I do think I've gained a lot from it.

You, my dear friends, make the most of it.

I won't pretend that jumping out of my safety net and going into the real world doesn't scare me, but more than that, this is the first time in my life that I feel like I have a choice because I don't have a plan. It is not like having a choice over which school to go to, but having a choice not to go to school at all, which I, of course, didn't dare to venture. I'm not saying that I have a choice not to work either, it's just that now, I have the whole world to choose from.

I know I'm being a little too optimistic, especially when the world is in such dire state, but it's not as if I'm not prepared for setbacks, rejections and failures along the way. I just don't want to give up without fighting hard enough.